marke@sfbg.com

It was a huuuge year for LGBTMNOPs — what with the legalization of same-sex marriage in New York, the repeal of "Don't Ask, Don't Tell," Lady Gaga's suicide via family-friendly Thanksgiving Special, and, of course, the Honey Badger. And yet, like a troupe of half-naked acrobats raked by the pope's hungry eyes or Chaz Bono on Dancing with the Stars, members of our community managed to twist themselves into some mighty uncomfortable positions. Let me remove my Valentino couture and tell you about it.

FRANK AND FRESH

US Rep. Barney Frank announced his retirement with a wonderfully characteristic burst of straight talk — but then took to the House floor in an uncharacteristic sky-blue T-shirt, which highlighted his large, erect nipples. (This was actually hot, but we hope it doesn't establish a precedent).

KNOW THYSELF

Homosexual Republicans are very easy, but the GOProud gay conservative organization really took the pineapple upside-down cake this year. There were so many ways in which it was wrong (defending Newt Gingrich's anti-gay stance, courting Michelle Bachman, inviting Ann Coulter to speak) but it even twisted the one thing it did right: outing Rick Perry's top pollster after the Perry campaign's famous anti-gay television ad. GOProud head (since resigned) Jimmy LaSalvia, who used his own gay-bashing earlier this year to attack "expensive" hate crimes legislation as "useless," tweeted after seeing the ad: "I've just about had it with faggots who line their pockets with checks from anti-gay homophobes while throwing the rest of us under the bus." Um, mirror much?

BASS ANGELS

Lance Bass resurrected the creepy pedophile-baiting boy band impresario trope by endorsing his own version of 'N Sync, Heart2Heart — a quintet of underage hooker-looking twinks who sang about wanting to post a "heart on" your Facebook page.

MILKING IT

Bevan Dufty's horrifyingly unscrupulous mayoral campaign attempted to conflate saving bullied queer kids from killing themselves with electing him to the city's top position. Seriously. He even used the words "It can get better" and implied that gay people would be spitting on Harvey Milk's grave if they didn't vote for his milquetoast, waffling ass. Queen, please.

BUTT, BUTT ....

The apparently deeply conservative Castro clutched its pearls all year because, my goodness Hetty Louise, some gay people were walking around naked. This led Sup. Scott Weiner to propose a law forcing naked people to sit on towels(?) Who knew the gay neighborhood could fit such a giant stick up its ass? Oh.

PILING ON

On the testimony of a disgruntled ex-employee, perennial gadfly-activist Michael Petrelis blogged that the Castro Theatre was closing. Roger Ebert picked up the story and tweeted that the institution was "abandoning gays," making it national news. When the tale was deflated, everyone childishly piled on Petrelis with years' worth of pent-up grievance. Even the usually stilted Bay Area Reporter made fun of his weight in an editorial*. It was ugly, and exposed both the limitations of hearsay blogging and the underlying bitterness of the gay press. Surprise!

STOP COMING TO SF FOR "SPECIAL APPEARANCES"!

The A-List cast. Shudder.

Correction: The item in the B.A.R. was in fact an out There column by B.A.R. Arts editor Roberto Friedman called "Recipe for a red-hot editor's note," not an editorial from the BAR editorial board.